melanie's blog

the passing of the patriach

The funeral is over, everything seems to be back to the normal routine, and I thought I coped better than expected.. but is it really?

I think the reality of grandpa passing is only just beginning to hit me. The last week in Kluang was powered by the constant presence, unity and strength that my family of 83+2 exerted. It was heart breaking yet there was an unspeakable unity and comfort when all of us from all over the place gathered together, in memory and commemoration of our beloved father/grandfather/great-grandfather who lived a hundred years. There were lots of flowers, mourners, friends, relatives, heart cries, laughter, feasting, catching up with each other, but most of all, the unity and strength in us as YapClan, the descendants of this respectable man called Yap Tai Pit. The whole procession went smooth and after a good 5 days, everyone was back to their normal routine.

And I am now back in Singapore, with sadness and grief, back to my normal routine and work. I thought I surprised myself thinking that I am coping better than I had ever expected. Not until last night. I finally broke down. (If you think I was bad in Kluang, don’t try to imagine). For the whole night, my eyes couldn’t stop tearing. My heart was grieving and I was sobbing. The mental image of grandpa and the fond memories of him kept playing in my mind.

Videos of him in every part of my life since childhood kept playing. I recalled how he would shield me from mum’s caning; how he would come into the room with milk bottles every morning to feed me and my sis; how he would fetch me from school after my CCA; how he would wake me up every morning to eat the breakfast he bought specially for me from Pasar; how we would bring all of us to Pasar, feed us with whatever we want to eat/drink (softdrinks to be precise) even though it was forbidden by our parents. I also recalled the Teh-O, the saucer and the Kopi-O he always drink; and how he would buy every single printed newspaper every morning and read them all. Did I forget to mention the ‘never-run-out-free-for-all’ tit-bit store he runs in his room?

I will always remember how he rushed to my house with ice-cream after I reported to him of my PMR results and the pride and joy in him when he told me ‘Ke luan ya si u gao tack chek er, bian ke ga ka lang por’ (translates to: Kluang also got scholar, no need to go all the way to KL). Mike Ko is right. He was someone who placed high emphasis on education. He rejoiced and encouraged all his descendants to pursue education, you can tell by that special wall in our home. I am glad that before he left to go home, he witnessed the latest addition of Junnie to the line of graduates.

These are just a small part of my captured memories of grandpa and what we shared. He was a very significant person in every facet of my life. He taught me many things and I would choose to believe that I am his favourite (sorry Mike Ko, I think I took over your self assumed role the moment you turned adult (just when I was born)). :-)

One thing I learned about grandpa just last week was his determination to live on. We all knew Gong went through a few surgeries through his lifetime. But Berd Ko, in re-telling a story told by his mother (Lu Mama) revealed to me what a man of great determination Gong was. After being diagnosed with colon cancer, he went through a surgery with an apparent survival rate of 5% over the next 5 year. The surgery took place before Chinese New Year and so he was recuperating at home during Chinese New Year when everyone came back to his U-shaped home to celebrate. One mid-night when he opened his room door to go to the loo, what greeted him was the sight of all of us, his grandchildren, one next to another sleeping on the floor in his living room. It was a moment of epiphany for him. It dawned on him that we, his family, his descendants are his wealth and from that night onwards, he was determined to live on for as long as he could live. Lo and behold, he lived on for another 20 years. Stuff medical statistics!!

Going back to Kluang will never be the same again. There will be no more reason to go back to his house, and when I do go back, I won’t get to see him sitting on his blue throne greeting me as I walk into the house, there won’t be anyone whom I can called Ah Gong to and when I walk into his room, there won’t be him sleeping on his bed. Everything will be different now. While everything has changed, nothing has changed in my heart. He continues to live on in my heart and in the hearts of all of us who called ourselves his own. He will always live on as his legacy continues in and through us. He has done what he has to do on earth and we the living shall continue to live on, stand up again to do our grandpa proud.

I have a dream but don’t think it will ever come to pass now. I had always wanted grandpa to witness my wedding :-( and I am not even close. Sigh…

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I’ve never been more homesick than now

I love you Kong, till we meet again… at home

butterfly effect

but·ter·fly /ˈbʌtərˌflaɪ/ [buht-er-flahy] noun, plural -flies, verb, -flied, -fly·ing, adjective

1. any of numerous diurnal insects of the order Lepidoptera, characterized by clubbed antennae, a slender body, and large, broad, often conspicuously marked wings.

Seeing butterflies creates a sense of relief and joy for me. Just this morning as i was walking to work, i saw two yellow butterflies chasing each other around the flower bed. Immediately the scene reminded me of my childhood and how we used to catch butterflies in my grandfather's backyard. It was almost like a routine for us cousins during school holidays that we will go around the backyard to catch butterflies. The backyard was my late grandma's territory :-) It was filled with various kind of fruit trees, flower plants, leave plants and vegetables and so there was no lack of beautiful butterflies. We would run around the place with our either self-made butterfly net which is really half-past-six or a super old and worn-out net that miraculously appear each time we want to catch butterflies. Maybe my older cousins will tell me that they kept the net somewhere just that i was too young to know ANYTHING. hahaha... miraculously appear.. HAHAHA...

We would spend the whole day running around catching butterflies. We would then house the butterflies in a self-made aquarium look alike 'thingy'. Don't really know how to describe it, but we just find something to hold up the structure and use our old-school transparent book wrapper to cover it to prevent the butterflies from escaping. Talking about innovative and creativity, we were pretty good! On an average, we would catch tens and tens of butterflies in all sizes and colours. We will be so self entertained and excited about the catch(es) of the day. Those were the times... so fun and carefree.

Butterflies remind me of my childhood; butterflies remind me of my late grandma and her backyard; butterflies makes me pause a little while to reminisce about the past and give thanks for all that i ever had; butterflies make me joyful.

make this my prayer...

God has much bigger things in mind for us.He wants us to join his mighty project. That's a main reason we need thoroughgoing transformation. He wants people like us to become fit enough to follow Jesus inside "the infinite rule of God," becoming searchers for his kingdom, agents within it, witnesses to it, and models of it. We now have little kingdoms of our own, just as God intended. Depending on our age and level of responsibility, we have a small realm "where our choice determines what happens." God wants us "to mesh our kingdoms with the kingdoms of others," all inside his master kingdom, "which pervades and governs the whole of the physical universe."

Psalm 51

the Song Create in me a clean heart has never been so real to me. Tonight, I find my heart and my entire being crying out to my Abba Father, and I could not stop singing this Psalm as a prayer to Him. The created is yearning to be home with the Creator...

Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me
Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me

Cast me not away
From thy presence oh Lord
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me

i should make an effort

yea i should make an effort to blog more.. at least it will allow me the discipline of journalling and reflecting. Today is the first day i officially become a student again. I am a post-graduate student now.. hahaha... Semester started today with a parcel delivered to my house from GradSchool University of Newcastle. Those are my textbook and course notes. Believe it or not, I am a student now.. hahaha...

Check my semester schedule, pretty full on. Assignment after assignment, but at least no classes. just self study which means super disciplined on my side. Excited! :-)

give and take

its been extremely long since i logged in to post something. Today, at the end of an academic year and a challenging semester, i can finally say IT IS FINISHED!!!! hahaha... and i did it. I remember during one of our cell group meetings where everyone was sharing about what they are looking forward to, everyone shared about new year as in 1 Jan. I was the odd one who said that I was looking forward to February. It seemed like forever at that time... but before i knew it, i am here now, having finalised all the grades for the entire academic year.

At the end of this road, how do i feel? or what have i gained? I think what i enjoyed the most is seeing my students learn and grow in knowledge and maturity. Getting to know them at a more personal level has allowed me to get into their world and witness the story they lived to tell themselves. Two students left a very deep impact on me. J and G. They are both very smart and good students who are keen to learn. J is a GPA 4.0 pointer and G 3.83. They were the top in the entire cohort.

J has always been a popular name among us who has taught him. Don't think he has ever gotten anything other than an A. His intelligence, respect for people and the way he carries himself makes anyone who taught him proud. G on the other hand is known for his logical and critical information processing. He is equally intelligent and outspoken with his good leadership quality. That was all i could see in my capacity as their educator.

As the year went by, my interaction with them grew. I got to know them personally as a friend, not just someone whom they see in front of the room downloading information. I was allowed into their story and was astounded to find out about their past. I struggled to connect their past and present. J was an O-level repeat student and G scored a high of 30 points for his O-level. They both went through a long way to get to where they are today. The route the had to take and the journey they had to endure is not an easy one. Both of them grew from their experience and had a life transformed through their 'failures'. I guess that is what makes them learn and grow. I am highly encouraged and in awe.

Today I am proud and glad for having had them under my guidance. Who learnt more? I am not sure :)

epidemiology

Epidemiology, "the study of what is upon the people", is derived from the Greek terms epi = upon, among; demos = people, district; logos = study, word, discourse; suggesting that it applies only to human populations.

who am i?

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

-Casting Crowns-

Faithfulness

i am truly amazed by God. His reality and His perfect plan. He has made all this beautiful it His time and He has orchestrated everything in preparation for what is to come. He is faithful and I am once again humbled by it.

Lord, I thank you for your faithfulness and your love towards your people. You know each of our desires and the state of our hearts and our being. You preserve the righteous and not once have you ever failed us. I thank you for keeping Tuah Koo safe. May Your name be glorified through this.

strong enough

As I rest against this cold hard wall, will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war had just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again

Will my weakness fall and and now make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I be renewed and find forgiveness by the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again

He took my life into His hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance, is where I'm finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me,
Oh thank You for my chance to start again